In order to stay on-theme and also deliver an immediate dose of Friday delight, here is a truly bizarre song about goats and celery. Based on its canned electro drumbeat and mess-around keyboard solo, it appears to have surfaced from the early days of digital music production, but curiously was just published on Spotify in October 2018. This song is so overtly bad, and the lyrics so stream-of-consciousness, that its authors, “Congregation of the Fat Meditations,” can only be a couple of dudes getting high in a basement. Please enjoy their work. And after, if you prefer professional music, please refer to the archival Lorem playlist here.

Alert: LA has sold out of celery juice. (<<obvious overstatement, but appears to be approaching the truth.) A while back, this guy called the “Medical Medium” started telling people to drink celery to heal all their assorted ailments (as you recall, we established our collective feeling on mediums last week), and now the goop crowd around the country is swearing by a full head in liquid form every morning. Vague statements from the medium include, “celery has an incredible ability to create sweeping improvements for all kinds of health issues,” and “I’ve seen thousands of people who suffer from chronic and mystery illnesses restore their health by drinking sixteen ounces of celery juice daily.” So what does it do? Unclear. But boy do people feel better. Who knew the vegetable kingdom had its very own CBD competitor.

Celery wasn’t always a miraculous superfood, but it was once the world’s most stylish vegetable. It was evidently THE thing among the Victorian elite– not for its nutritional value (those were the gout days, remember?) but simply because it was scarce. Which it may be again soon if people keep juicing at this rate. Here’s hoping.

That glass vessel you see in the celery photo? That’s a celery vase, which fully used to be a thing. Bring back a bygone era and put yours in this guy. Who knows, it might catch on.