The more you learn about the Bacao Rhythm & Steel Band, the more confused you’ll be. Step 1: they’re a steel drum band. 2: Using the steel pan over regular band instruments, they remake classic funk and hip hop hits. 3: They’re white dudes from Germany. The band originally existed as the funk group Mighty Mocambo, and Bacao formed as a spinoff to satisfy the bandleader’s love for the Steel Drum. Why not? They put out their second album in 2018, and you might as well listen to all of it, but I’ll direct you first to covers of “I Love You” by Mary J. Blige and “Xxplosive” by Dr. Dre. Happy Monday!

Do you and your live-in partner find it hard to talk about sex? Consider this new bedside button that you can press when you want some. Your partner has one too, and it will alert you only when you’ve both expressed interest. It’s like tinder, only for people who know each other intimately and yet are unable to verbally communicate. Hope they put that in their pitch deck.

Now you have to break up. But boy is there a lot of work involved. So there’s now a concierge to help you find a new place to live, hire movers, pick up your stuff from your ex’s, and find self-care services like yoga and therapy. Seems like… not the worst idea, actually, but you have to appreciate that, just like tinder and other dating apps, it relies on failed relationships for its own success (as in, if everyone became partnered, most people would stop swiping). But don’t worry, the most important kind of love is between you and you.

After all those downers, let’s treat ourselves to some positive news: there is now a tinder for cows! Legitimately named “Tudder,” this company connects farmers across the UK to find mating partners for their stock. True to form, it is swipe-driven and available on the iTunes store, so you too can swipe to find your next bovine boo. Or as an intermediary step, try listing yourself on regular Tinder as a “Pedigree Aberdeen Angus Bull.” Sexy.