“4 American Dollars” delivers the level of nonsense you need in your day. The funky group sing is all about the things you can do with a little bit of cash, and amazingly, it is not depressing. In fact, its bizarro video abstracts the concept of money with the trippiest of visuals: Disembodied mouths chew on cash and assorted items (Rubber gloves! Bottles of liquor!); mouths are replaced by boots that dance on their own; hands cut in to unfurl a roll of toilet paper made of bills. What is value anyway? (I’ll posit that value is joy, which explodes in the surprise ending. Looks like you’d better watch.)
One of the more impressive figments of the last few weeks is the skyrocketing value of toilet paper, which continues to run scarce even as people defecate at normal volumes. While we battle over a limited supply, Cottonelle is airing a campaign urging the public to #ShareASquare. I know we’re all working quickly here, but a proofreader might have identified the difference between “share” and “give”— as it stands, the hashtag suggests that you pass along your poop smear as an act of goodwill. Would you call this the opposite of the point?
Our coveted toilet paper is becoming a mainstay at a variety of restaurants doing takeout. Guerilla Tacos in LA is giving out a roll with every large-format taco order, and Osteria La Buca is selling TP on its own for $2 a roll. In Charlotte, every meal from DeSarno’s includes a roll, while Paper Plane Deli & Market is giving theirs out to anyone who needs it. What looks like a clever marketing stunt is mostly just restaurants trying to clean out their stockrooms, because who knows if they’ll be open in a month. That’s what we call a bummer.
We’ve had a bidet in my house for years now, thanks to a gift bag from a butt-themed Tushy party. If you’ve considered a butt washer, now might be the time to take the leap (with any brand— I have no allegiance). One thing you can only get from Tushy, though, is the world’s most quarantine-appropriate garment: a tee that reads, “Ask Me About My Butthole.” Imagine the color you could add to your zoom calls.
