Dessa is really great at the well-enunciated story-song, which, on this track, makes for some pretty funny listening when interpereted in the context of the stories below. So this time, read first, listen second, and leave with a chuckle.

Killer headline, right? (Thanks, CES.) Unfortunately, the toilet ‘immersion’ here refers to a whole host of smart-house hookups like Alexa, ambient lighting, and built-in speakers, designed to keep you company while you atone for your dietary sins. In place of an on-commode entertainment system, it might be nice to see a PSA on something like eating more fiber, but that seems a bit altruistic for our societal tastes. All I’m saying is, I feel like we already had an immersive toilet experience in the swirlie.

Competing with the above for best headline of the year is “Bowel Movement: The push to change the way you poo,” a Guardian piece all about the dominance of the Squatty Potty, or, in the words of my dad, “Is THAT the plastic thing in your brother’s guest bathroom? I thought it was there to reach the top shelf.” Stool or not (haaaa), the $25 device has taught us that westerners have been defecating all wrong, and as a result we’ve experienced undue bowel issues ever since the indoor toilet forced us upright. The Squatty Potty rejiggers our intestinal ergonomics so we’re closer to a squat, helping that unicorn fro yo substance to come out smoothly– the way it’s evidently meant to. The more you know, right?

If you’ve never clicked around the Squatty Potty website before, you may not know that they also offer ‘toilet paper foam,’ a moistening squeeze bottle that will make your everyday paper more like a wet wipe. Only this one’s less disastrous from a city-planning standpoint. So for anyone still on the sewer-clogging train, maybe consider a switch-up?