Millennials are Killing Everything: A Gift Guide

Business Insider recently published a comprehensive list of the industries Snake People* are killing. From beer to bar soap, there’s practically nothing left untouched. All we can say is…. CONGRATULATIONS, HIVEMIND, IT’S WORKING. Through our grassroots organizing in cells like Supreme, meditation class, and the internet, we’ve made great strides toward our ultimate goal of creating an ugly-beautiful dystopia in which transactions are convenient, ethics are transparent, and the patriarchy doesn’t always win.

Now, we know not all Snake People* are participants in the teardown of the ancestral regime. So we’ve assembled a guide-- a gift guide, if you will-- to entice new recruits with the sweet perfume of things we’ve built on the ruins of all that came before us. Give these gifts to the unbeliever and spread the good word; the gift of youth is yours to share.

*Millennials

 

Congratulations, you’ve successfully killed: Casual dining chains like Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebee’s!

The dotards don’t want you to be healthy. They want your instagram to look like shit in poor lighting that still somehow still captures grease. But our boycott has prevailed. Treat a friend to a stylish vegan meal at By Chloe, and photograph to your heart’s content. Extra points if you order on Seamless.

You’ve also killed: Starter Homes

Sorry to dash your dreams, olds, but it’s not about owning just any house so you can start to procreate in it. Adulthood is long enough as it is-- why be tied down when we could go on sick trips to wherever we want? Grab some camping gear for a person you love, both for fun, and to reinforce how much you have not stuck yourselves inside a box, literal and hypothetical. This outdoor coffee pot seems nice.

Next up: Beer

Look, we’re all for killing useless stuff, but beer? We would NEVER. We don’t drink your Coors Light, sure, but we’re here if you wanna talk Half Acre. The best thing about craft beers as presents is that you have to legitimately work hard to get your hands on the special ones, and a lot of the time those beers have sentimental value. See if you can find some Daisy Cutter (or whatever your equivalent is), and support craft 👏  breweries 👏  forever.

Congratulations, you’ve successfully killed: Napkins

There’s just no way your pants are fancy enough to warrant this level of maintenance. Give me a dish towel though, I need that-- if only to impress the occasional guest. See, for example, the v attractive Hammam Towel from Accompany, a boutique that sources fair-trade, artisan-made goods from around the world and kicks back revenue toward loans, training, and infrastructure to marginalized communities. Yeah-- suck it, Pier 1.

Also: The Breastoraunt

Dear Harvey, Bill, Roy, Woody, Al, Michael, Don, and yes all men, you do not own women’s bodies. Everyone, give a gift in a friend’s name to Planned Parenthood, which continues to need your help to ensure that women are in charge of themselves.

Goodbyyyyyye Cereal

Remember when we all figured out that processed foods were bad? Cereal is that. But the whole crunchy-grains-in-milk thing is doing just great. See Early Bird Granola, made by humans out of plants and not chemicals. Totally fucks up the whole industrial-food thing, and is additionally a lovely host(ess) gift.

A Great Triumph: Golf

Much as everybody loves an old white man... Schedule a Y-7 date for you and your buds and hip hop yoga your way to atonement for the universe’s spiritual wrongdoings.

Almost As Great: Motorcycles

Say it with me: bi-cy-cle, an environmentally responsible and high-impact present. Oprah recommends Martone and I ironically hang on her every word so..

(Also they come in rose gold.)

Congratulations, you’ve killed: Home ownership

Actually our parents killed this one for us. Thanks for this economy, guys-- and for reproducing so goddamn much that we can’t get a leg up. Everyone, show your loved ones you care with the gift of renters’ insurance from Lemonade. Starting at $5 a month, it's super responsible, wildly helpful in a pinch. Plus, you get to choose a cause to receive your left-over premium.

Oh, and Yogurt-- especially light yogurt

Look, the 90s were a long time ago and it turns out science got better after they finished. Fast forward to now: fat is good for you and processing is bad, so get up to speed and board the Noosa train, will you? All you need is one try to re-learn that cream is delicious. (This might end up being a gift to yourself.)

Fully Dead: Bars of soap

1. No one likes that squeaky soap feeling; 2. How many bodies can one cleaning agent touch? Keep it above board and get some Aesop, for god’s sake. If it’s good enough for Septime, it’s good enough for your best friend’s shower.

Dead *and* Tacky: Diamonds

Because the marriage industry is… arbitrary? Outdated? Look, if we’re gonna talk rocks, it’s healing crystals all the way. Head straight over to goop and grab this crystal-infused water bottle: amethyst is supposed to be great for all that anxiety we have.

Let’s All Erase This From Memory: Fabric Softener

Why is there this extra step? If you really cared you’d just let the detergent make my laundry soft. Incidentally, that’s exactly the deal with FREY, a new dudes’ laundry line. That’s right, olds: men do their own laundry now.

Congratulations, you’ve successfully killed: Banks

Here’s a great gift idea: randomly venmo your friend $20. Random acts of kindness.

Never Again: Department Stores like Macy’s and Sears

Dear Macy’s: Why must I get lost within one store? Furthermore, why are Armani Exchange and Chloé sitting next to each other? Killing my vibe. Far away from the mall, Grandpa is a Stockholm-based boutique that also exists online and can pretty much still be your one-stop gift shop if you need it. Curates all the nice things from outdoorsy clothes to housewares in a lovely, small space, and should win over just about anybody with the promise of a better life.

You’ve Obliterated: Designer Handbags

Because… who gives a shit? I’m not sure who ever decided that paying your rent in bag was cool-- also please give me something functional, e.g., Breton’s modern-day briefcase backback: attractive, spacious, and Kickstarted by this nice guy Joe.

And: Gyms?

Duh-- it’s called *OUTDOOR* Voices.

You killed: Home-Improvement Stores like Home Depot and Lowe’s

If you don’t own a home, how can you improve it? Fuck it, go get some avocado toast. (Or make the most complicated version possible from the excellent, beautiful, totally inaccessible Sqirl cookbook.)

Down with: Football

Was it the concern for brain health that did it, or the intolerance of wife battery? According to BI it’s neither of those, but rather the fact that we don’t buy cable. So here’s a gift idea: give someone your HBO password. It’ll be their most-talked-about present of the year.

Good riddance to: Oil

Well, maybe one kind of oil-- see: ‘bicycles are better’-- but don’t tell me we haven’t done GREAT things for the essential oils market. Really, really great things. Believe me. Try Sandoval, a fail-safe gift of essential oil blends for the home. Feels #elevated and all that, and also maybe spiritual if you’re that way? Or totally not if you aren’t.

 

Killin’ it -- keep it up.

 

**Much of this was sponsored. What else are gift guides for.