Reviewing today’s stories, I’m not sure which way is up, so for musical entertainment I’m giving us this funky, Anatolian hallucination about the inevitability of death, which I think is what all this is about. Don’t worry— it’s actually an upbeat listen and because it’s in Turkish, you don’t have to ruminate on lyrics (sorry to the Turkish speakers in the room). And the band was nominated for a Grammy! What are you waiting for?

Sometimes when you try to return something to Amazon, they’re like, “eh it was just $12, don’t bother,” and then it languishes in your house for months until either you put it out on the sidewalk or think of some other way to offload. In other cases, your item heads to a return warehouse where it… languishes for months until a third-party reseller throws it into a mystery box / truck / locker to sell at a discount to someone who likes a little risk. That’s right, returns are too cumbersome for the Amazon efficiency machine, so they’re letting you deal with them instead. Here’s how it works: you go to some liquidation site and buy some package of Amazon seconds— it’s sort of like bidding on an abandoned storage unit, only instead of personal treasures, the contents are late-capitalist refuse. Then you try to resell whatever’s in it, item by item, and hope to see an upside. Was it worth your time to list 50 almost-new toasters on ebay? Cause it wasn’t worth Amazon’s.

Stooping has always been a tremendous city pastime, and since the pandemic descended, the amount of free shit on New York sidewalks has been staggering. Finally Kimiko de Freytas-Tamura called it out in the NYT: Not only are people moving away faster and without notice, leaving them to put nice things out for the taking, but the rest of us now have time to go looking for castoffs. So far I’ve only absorbed a set of insulated wine glasses from some mansion in Clinton Hill and a toaster oven that I think belonged to my upstairs neighbors. But instagram handles like @stoopingnyc regularly alert me to the treasures people have simply tossed aside: fancy dressers, diner booths, a full-size Big Bird costume… So, like, visit NYC: Broadway may be closed, but the sidewalks are very much open.

Those not satisfied with sidewalks might enjoy the #haul, a Tik Tok phenomenon whereby the youngs open mystery packages on camera for the delight of onlookers. In what feels like porn for the kids who grew up on unboxing videos, some minor influencer will dive into a room full of unmarked packages to show off the knick knacks inside like tee shirts and cheap jewelry. As they gain followers around their hauls, brands start to send them more stuff, which means even more haul videos, followers, and maybe revenue, and the entire world gets swept up into a tornado of capitalist doom. Worth it, though, for a tank from Hot Topic.