Happy Valentine’s Day! To mark the occasion, the husband-and-wife band Tennis are out with a new album today called Swimmer,  led by the single, “Need Your Love.” Don’t worry about the name, which makes it sound like a pleading dependency anthem from the ’90s. This song is actually a forward-thinking reflection on letting go of unresolved relationships from the past. To place you sonically at the correct moment in time, “Need Your Love” has a pleasing throwback aesthetic with vocal filters that will remind you of Tame Impala. But what levels it up from “nice” to “sticky” is its tempo changes: the verses charge along like a story, only to break at the chorus for a big, jarring slowdown. That upset returns every time the speed shifts, jolting you out of the daze you’d been lulled into before. Form and function unite.

It’s getting to be a bit much with the dog content lately, what with the puppy birthday parties and vegan pet food. But let’s push the limit with this timely update on human-canine couples’ massages. This is a practice that’s taking off in very specific corners of the world, which is fine and great until you have to interview people about it. “Shared massage therapy would certainly enhance the human-animal bond,” Rover‘s vet told Glamour. That’s because “we’re electromagnetic beings: everything we do involves energy,” explained a body worker who advocates vibe-sharing through touch between pet and owner. Stemming from a medical practice, the dual treatment is now available to anyone who wants it a day spa in Sydney and a house call service in Orange County. So, if you forgot to prepare a romantic dog dinner for tonight, it’s not too late! Surprise them with a relaxing rubdown today. 

So your dog is a little shy about baring it all to a masseuse. On the off chance it’s because he’s castrated, look no further than Neuticles, a line of silicone dog testicle implants created by a man who CNBC takes care to point out is a millionaire after selling them since the ’90s. This time, the quotes are gold: “Their dogs don’t have to be turned into eunuchs anymore, and, to me, that’s priceless,” said Greg Miller, a serial entrepreneur who reportedly refers to his home as “The House that Neuticles Built.” Can we get that on a plaque?

Couples’ massage above board but leg hump a step too far? Keep it consensual with the Hot Doll, a sex toy for dogs. The, uh, tension-release figurine is shaped like a futuristic robot dog, though it’s just a set of silicone blobs, slip-proof and engineered for hind-leg comfort. Keep it next to the cat’s scratching post and enjoy a renewed sense of calm.