You might not have pegged the Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon as a rap artist, and she is not. And yet, here she is with a very good rap song sandwiched in the middle of an electronic rock EP. It’s dark, sticky, a little cryptic, almost as if you’ve fallen into a manhole from the hard rock world above ground. To be fair, Gordon didn’t write the beat, so we’ll credit Jeremiah Reisen, DJ brother of the producer Jason Reisen, with this breath of dank air. While underground, his steely, industrial foundation routinely gets stuck on itself, making you wonder if you might be caught in this alternate universe forever. But fear not: it’s only a minute long. And that minute, should you pursue it on YouTube, comes with a set of disjointed DIY video clips to hammer in the sense of dystopia. Ready for that? Take a listen.
Forgive me for saying so, but something tells me you don’t have enough appliances. If you’re doing it right, you’ll have at least one specialized tool per new diet thing you’re trying, so at this point you should have racked up an instant pot, a zoodler, and about four different juicing devices. Assuming you’re quitting coffee in the new year (who even are you without cutting something out), the invention gods have a new one for you: the matcha machine. Whereas regular people might just buy powdered matcha and whisk it into water with their very own hands, you, special person, could hit a button and watch a robot grind green tea leaves and submerge them without so much as a twirl of your delicate fingers. Just think how fresh your already-desiccated tea will taste when it’s coming out of a sleek, geometric box. You need this.
Oh, my apologies, you take a matcha latte? If only you lived in the Netherlands, where a startup is bringing the milkman into the future. Picnic delivers dairy in electric vehicles, then picks up the glass bottles for reuse when you’re done. And for all the delight there is in resuscitating an old-timey job title, the milk thing is actually just a proof of concept for something much bigger: if the company can master the dairy habit, then they can hypothetically be the go-to for all kinds of packaging exchange. After this, for example, they’re going to start picking up people’s online returns. Should they get there, it’ll be a dual win for convenience and sustainability, but let’s just hope that in this initial phase, their salespeople are using the only appropriate opener: “Got Milk?”
You gave up coffee AND dairy? Of course. The last bit of news, then, is that almond milk company Califia Farms just raised $225 million to expand their oat offering, just to make sure you’re covered under any set of food restrictions. But they’ll want to keep up with the almond thing, since Big Food Science just decided that almonds have fewer calories than we previously thought. Maybe next year you’ll buy a nut-milker.
