You don’t get a ton of Kyle Dion’s signature falsetto in “Parmesan,” but you do get some extremely saucy wordplay. (See?)

…Let’s all just leave that there while we move on to Other Topics of Relevance, shall we?

I know we’re all about true crime, but have you been following these podcasts from legit mobsters? Now that having an iPhone makes you a producer, notoriously tight-lipped bosses are opening up about their hits, their business, and their family drama: On “Mafia Truths,” the hitman John Alite walks through shootings and “baseball battings” while reminding kids to say out of the life. On his YouTube show, Bonanno family enforcer Jimmy Calandra calls his enemies names on creative par with the script of Succession. Then there’s “The Sit Down with Michael Franzese,” where the Colombo boss interviews guests from Orange County after years of “flying under the radar.”

The concept seems like a natural fit for media— these guys are personalities — but why gab now after all these years of secrecy? The same reason they do anything: there’s money to be made. (And they’ve got immunity deals.) Each Franzese video gets at least a million views. Sammy The Bull’s podcast has 400,000 listeners. And Alite is out here selling signed baseball bats. Just trading one kind of influence for another.

For something considerably more unsettling than than stories from the mob bosses, see this glowing Epicurious piece entitled, “Forget Champagne, Toast With This Effervescent Italian Antacid.”

In this bicarbonate sprinkle, the piece reads, “There isn’t so much a lemon flavor as there is a faint suggestion of one—if you drank a plain glass of water and imagined a lemon orchard in Capri, you’d probably get a similar effect… While there’s nothing ingredients-wise about Galeffi that makes it particularly better than other antacids, I find that preparing a glass of Galeffi after dinner is a far more pleasant ritual than ambling over to the medicine cabinet to administer myself a few chalky tablets to chew on joylessly.”

It feels very sad that this is where content-commerce has gotten us, shilling in thesaurus prose for an item that 1. is not TUMS only on a technicality and 2. you should really only need if the website’s core offering (i.e., food) has gone awry. Was the affiliate revenue off the $13 worth it? Sell me an instant pot and call it a day.

With the holidays fast approaching, Our Place is reminding everyone to get an early start on gifting. For a limited time, they’re offering 15% off the famous Always Pan with the code LOREM15. You know it’s a crowd-pleaser. Get it here.